Facing Life

Facing Life

I’m facing life.  In less than a month I will have quadruple heart bypass surgery. 

I’m scared – and optimistic.  I have a top-notch surgeon, I have a highly skilled cardio doctor, and a terrific primary care physician.  So, I’m surrounded with an A-team of physicians. 

And this is how I am currently facing life.  I

have all the confidence in my team.  My cardio doctor says he can give me another twenty years.  I want to face that.  I think I can make something of the next twenty years of my life.  I just have to get through surgery and recovery.

My Step-daughter, Paula, is a counselor/therapist.  She said something to me last week that I think about a lot.  She said, “What a gift you are being given in knowing your surgery is a month away and you have all this time to think about it, prepare for it, and explore your own heart and mind in preparation.”

My first thoughts are – I don’t like this gift very much.  I don’t want this kind of gift.  Can I exchange it for a new pair of shoes?

Yet I face it.  It is now a part of my life.  I can’t run, hide, ignore it, sleep through it or avoid it. 

And so, I face my life. 

I don’t have any solutions to offer to anyone, much less to myself.  I’m doing everything my doctor says.  I’m exercising in the ranges he wants, I take my meds on time every time, I’m eating the right amounts of food with a good balance of protein, fat grams, sodium, calories, sugar, etc.  I’m a “poster child”, as Carolyn calls me, for someone who is facing what I face.

I pray, I meditate, I have ample alone time, I send out a weekly email to our family as to what is going on and reports on doctor’s appointments, how I’m feeling, etc.  Carolyn and I have numerous conversations about this dilemma and how it is impacting both of our lives, for it affects her too.  And she allows for those moments when she needs space and time alone.

And so, we face life. 

Carolyn keeps saying how this experience will change and deepen my writing.  Perhaps she is right.  I doubt that I have even scratched the surface on processing all that.  And the future remains to be written. 

In the middle of my fears, I have to say I’m finding a center of calm.  It comes and goes, but it is there.  That is the God-part of my story.  I am trusting, I am living in His embrace, and taking everything as it comes along.  It is a daily experience.  I’m trying to live in each moment, seize each moment for what it brings. 

This is my morning reflection.

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